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The Inside
Some of our college students are graduating from McMaster University. When they were in first year, we started a Bible study together. We booked a room in the main library and met there each week. When they were in second year, they moved into a house together, and I would go there weekly and have Bible study with them. Then the pandemic hit, and two whole school years went by. I visited them a week ago to reflect on their journey through their undergraduate years. It was so nice to be together with them again.
During these past four years, they’ve been through many things. Relationships, conflicts, ups and downs with school, and a pandemic for half of their undergraduate life. Many things happened on the outside, but the real change and growth happened inside of them. In fact, during the pandemic, nothing much really happened on the outside, but inside of them, they went through so much change and growth. What happened on the inside is not visible, but it is just as real, and perhaps more significant, than what happened on the outside. What happened on the inside defines who they are.
We experience many things on the surface of our lives. That is real. But there is a lot that goes on inside of us too, and that is very real as well.
The students at Mac were able to recollect what happened on the outside, but they had more difficulty articulating what happened to them on the inside. Even though what happens on the inside is just as real and perhaps more significant than what happens on the outside, it is more difficult to describe and articulate what happens on the inside, because we cannot really see it, and we don’t really notice it. We go day to day in the world without really seeing or noticing what happens inside of us.
There is a tight correlation between what happens on the outside and what goes on inside. What happens on the outside affects what happens on the inside. Who we are on the inside affects what we do on the outside, and how we approach what happens on the outside. The only thing is, we often don’t see this correlation, because we don’t really see what’s going on inside.
The inside is where the seat of our soul resides, where our spirit is. So what happens inside of us is spiritual. Spirituality relates to what happens inside of us. Our spirituality is affected by what happens outside, and it shapes what we do or how we approach what happens outside. Because we are unaware of what’s going on inside, our spirituality is often quite limited. Mature spirituality is difficult, because we are not in tune with what’s going on inside of us.
There are many things that happen on the outside. Some things, we decide what happens. We decide what to eat, what to wear, where to go. But many things in life happen to us without us planning for it. We don’t plan on getting into conflicts with those we live with or work with. We don’t plan on bad or unexpected things happening to us. So much of life is beyond our control, and so many things happen to us.
How We Respond
There are many good things that happen to us. They bring us joy, happiness and contentment in life.
But we also know that there are many things in life that leave their marks on us. Even long after those things have passed, their effects on us remain. When bad or unexpected things happen to us, inside of us we get hurt, wounded or fearful. Even after that thing has passed, the hurt, wounds and fear remain. At a given moment, nothing might be happening on the surface. Things may seem peaceful. But we can lack peace because the effects of bad things remain and continue to affect us. There are many words to describe the manifestation of what remains: anger, trauma, depression, fear, worries, numbness and many more. What remains from the bad things that happen to us is suffering.
We often think of suffering as what is happening to us on the outside at that moment. The world was shocked and grieved at the way civilians were killed in Bucha, Ukraine, some with their hands bound. They suffered before they died. But suffering is also about what happens inside of us even after events have passed. The families of those killed will suffer from grief, anger and confusion for a long time to come. Suffering from past experiences remain inside that person. We are often unaware of the suffering that resides in us.
Suffering is a fact of life. But how we respond to our suffering is the most important thing. One way or the other, our whole lives are a response to the suffering within us. Our fears, traumas and wounds can control us and dictate our thoughts and actions. Or the suffering inside of us can give us new purpose and perspective.
Passion Sunday
Today is Passion Sunday. Passion means suffering. On Passion Sunday, we remember the suffering of Jesus. We know that Jesus suffered physically when he was beaten and crucified. But his suffering was much deeper than that. His real suffering took place inside his soul.
Jesus was filled with the Spirit and intimately connected with God. He was in tune with God’s will to love and heal others. But his acts of love and healing became threats to the ruling leaders who benefitted from a system that hurt those whom Jesus ministered to. Jesus’ teachings and actions implicated the leaders. Instead of changing hearts, people’s hearts became hardened. His actions only aroused more and more opposition. Jesus’ followers believed that their journey to Jerusalem was a journey toward victory and change. But Jesus knew this was a journey toward conflict, rejection and death.
Jesus suffered from fear, pain and heaviness in his heart. He was wracked with grief. In the Garden of Gethsemane, he expressed the depths of his inner torment to his closest disciples:
I am deeply grieved, even unto death. (Matthew 26:38)
He began to pray. He begged God not to make him go through what he saw coming. He begged God to take away his suffering.
Luke records the intensity of his prayer in this way:
In his anguish he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down on the ground. (Luke 22:46)
But even with this intense prayer, Jesus heard nothing but silence. In his greatest hour of anguish, God did not answer. In his greatest hour of need, his closest friends fell asleep. In his greatest agony, Jesus was all alone.
All the way to the cross, Jesus was alone. Hanging on the cross, Jesus expressed his deep abandonment:
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? (Mark 15:34)
Today’s psalm describes well the suffering of Jesus. It reflects what he was probably praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.
Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye wastes away from grief, my soul and body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my misery, and my bones waste away.
I am the scorn of all my adversaries, a horror to my neighbors, an object of dread to my acquaintances; those who see me in the street flee from me. I have passed out of mind like one who is dead; I have become like a broken vessel. For I hear the whispering of many – terror all around! – as they scheme together against me, as they plot to take my life. (Psalm 31:9-13)
The gift of the psalms is that they give words to universal laments of the heart. They are the expressions of human suffering in our hearts. Jesus suffered the suffering of a human heart. But how he responded to his suffering is very revealing.
After hearing nothing but silence from God, this was his response:
“My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.” (Matthew 26:42)
Jesus’ response to suffering was faith. This is the confession of the psalmist, after articulating his deepest distress:
But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand. (Psalm 31:14-15)
Jesus’ suffering was overwhelming, but inside of him was something more powerful than that – it was his faith. Instead of letting his fear dictate his actions, instead of escaping from his suffering, he took on his suffering with faith. Even after feeling forsaken by God, Jesus died with faith in God.
Seek Faith
Faith is not something we can see on the outside. It is not saying the right words in front of others. It is not demonstrating it with religious actions. Faith is what resides inside of us.
Up on the cross, Jesus’ faith unto death revealed his true identity. It revealed the power of his faith over suffering. The centurion standing near Jesus saw him for who he really was:
Now when the centurion, who stood facing him, saw that in this way he breathed his last, he said, “Truly this man was God’s Son!” (Mark 15:39)
When faith is in us, it is a force more powerful than the pain, fear and wounds we receive from the bad things that happen to us. Faith is the power that frees us from the grip that our suffering has over us.
This is the power that St. Paul discovered in Christ:
He is not weak in dealing with you, but is powerful in you. For he was crucified in weakness, but lives by the power of God. For you are weak in him, but in dealing with you we will live with him by the power of God. (2 Corinthians 13:3-4)
We are weak, but faith is the power to see God at work in your life. Through faith, suffering reveals God’s presence. Through faith, suffering is the opportunity to meet and experience God. Faith unlocks God’s power in your life. So when you face suffering, don’t seek to escape it, don’t run away from it. Seek faith.
Faith is a gift from God. Our own faith is weak, but God gives it to those who ask. The more we get to know Christ, the more we will become like him in our own sufferings. We will develop the faith that Jesus had. Seek this gift of faith, even more earnestly when you are going through difficulty.
As we remember the suffering of Jesus, we ask for the faith that he had. That faith will unlock God’s power in your life. Your suffering will be the gateway to new and powerful ways of experiencing life.
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