How I’ve Grown

Looking back on your Day 1 reflection, how do you see where you are now compared to that 1st day?

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I see myself being a lot more calmer in my thought processes. I’ve learned to stop and think before I speak. My lips move faster than my brain so sometimes I can end up saying hurtful things but I won’t see it that way. I’ve also come upon some more clarity as to my vocation or calling. I’m hopeful for the upcoming HanCa college retreat so that I may be able to maybe delve even further into the things that drive me. I was so worried about if I would enjoy whatever I was doing for my career but I guess I had framed the question wrong. It shouldn’t have been, “What do I enjoy.” It should have been “Why do I enjoy it.” Then maybe I could see the reasons why I like the things I like. 

Looking back when I first started this internship, I was naive. Not just in the way that I was 4 months younger than I am today but more so that I have been given sight and clarity. It was as if I could see. I no longer seek validation with the clothes I wear. I used to do it because I wanted to prove to everyone in the world that I could afford expensive clothing but what then? It doesn’t change anything but it does put a large hole in your wallet. 

Another things I’ve noticed is my unbelief in God during the past year. When I was in 1st year, I would regularly listen to In Kee Moksanim sermons after they were uploaded to the church website. In 2nd year, I would do the same but it was not that frequent. In 3rd year, I did not do any of the things above. I just stayed in my room and watched Netflix or go out to drink. It was a life isolated from God. I see this now. 

– Joshua Chung

To be honest I don’t know if I’ve changed that much since the first day. I think the things around me have changed in the sense that many relationships are different now than they used to be, but I’m still grateful for the same things, and the things that I struggled with still affect me in some way when I think back to them. I think I’m still living a very sunny life, as I have many things to be grateful for and I appreciate them all everyday, but I think my faith may have taken a turn. At the beginning of the summer, I truly believed that I could feel God’s presence through the people around me, but thinking back, I’m wondering how much of that was just what I wanted to believe, rather than really struggling with my faith and coming out with the answer that yes, I do believe in God. I think the deeper I dive into my own faith, the more questions I have, and so in some ways I may be further from my faith than I was at the beginning, but I’m wondering if this is maybe a good thing. Maybe it means that I’ve actually started to take my faith seriously than I have before, and maybe it shows that I’m truly struggling and grappling with it. While I’m not sure if I even believe in God, I have a feeling that I’m on the right track, and I’m proud of myself for starting to actually care about my faith. On the first day, I said that one of my goals for this summer was to get back on track with my faith, and I think in a weird way I did. It’s kind of counter-intuitive but I think my questioning is strengthening my faith in ways that I can’t see yet. 

– Jocelyn Chung

When I read my day 1 reflection earlier, for some reason it made me kind of cringe in the sense that I was like a baby who didn’t really have any deep deep thoughts. Like I had deep thoughts, but they were so surface level, like I could feel that there wasn’t much depth nor any deep level thinking. But, when I read my reflections from recent events, it’s kind of weird that I can see or feel the growth that I’ve gone through. Like for one, spiritual growth was something that I could really feel happened over the course of my personal reflections. Maybe it’s because I came into this internship with really low and in a sense broken faith after having been gone from church for a year, but my faith slowly became stronger following things like the Living Faith and Gospel of John. Aside from spiritual growth, I also sensed a personal like life growth (?) I don’t know if that’s the right word used to describe what I sensed, but yeah there was some kind of personal life growth. I feel like I really experienced certain emotions that I haven’t felt before, and kind of really went through things that were outside of my comfort zone. Like when I look at my first reflection, it was just talking about the school year and kind of things I realized throughout my first year at university, but it didn’t have much depth nor soul to it. Like it was the regular “Oh, I missed my family, my faith was not good etc” those kind of things. But, my reflections now are well in my perspective, have grown in like the way I can express my thoughts and feelings and just my overall thinking to different things, is a change that I feel has happened. 

– Monica Park

I think looking back at the first few reflections I wrote compared to now, you can really see a physical difference, and a difference in the way I approach the reflections in general. Back in the beginning, you could tell that I had difficulty with everything; formatting the general reflections, what to/not to add to the reflections, and how professional or honest the reflections should be. I think over time, up until this moment, I have really learned that honesty is key, and forcing myself to honestly reflect and look back at myself has really helped me realize things about myself that I probably would not have, had I not done this internship. In conclusion, through reading most of the reflections, I can see how I have matured (?) in the past two (ish) months, and how, without me knowing, my spiritual faith in Christ has grown from the beginning.

– Hannah Lee

 

I think it’s really easy to see the growth I’ve had since that first day. I remember wanting to reflect more and feeling really distant from God after first year. I also can see how I was still really caught up in what had just happened throughout first year. I almost forgot how much studying I had to do last year, but that reflection reminds me of how stressed I was. I think that the friends thing is the same though. Although there was conflict, it resolved and now we have to move on. I am still really grateful for the other friends I made at Mac and I look forward to seeing them again in Hamilton. I think the biggest difference between then and now is that I am thinking about. Back then, there was a lot of reflection on the past and what had happened in first year, but now reflecting on the future seems more relevant and natural to me. Maybe it’s just the timing of the year, but there is a more ‘looking back’ feel rather than a ‘looking forward’ feel. I also feel that I had a busier mind then too. Not that I had a lot of thoughts, but that they weren’t really sorted out. I think that throughout this whole internship, I got to sort out my feelings and thoughts so that now my brain seems more organized in a way and calmer. 

– Sarah Choe

One of the biggest things that stood out to me when reading my Day 1 reflection, is when I said “At the New Years retreat, I learned that I have to be a leader in my own way. I hope that this will show during this summer.” I think that I have been pushed into a lot of leadership positions this summer, and I’m really glad to be able to show my skills. The two biggest moments that I had to be a leader this summer was during the ESM retreat and Youth Camp. I was very nervous for both of them, but I overcame the nervousness and lived in the moment, everything came naturally. One of the things that helped me a lot, and stuck with me during the whole summer, was the video Josh showed us. It was about nervousness verse excitement. Whenever I got nervous, I would try to tell myself that I was excited instead. These moments of leadership has pushed me to become a better person and overcome my fears. If I didn’t experience these moments, I wouldn’t be the same person. I think that because of everything I’ve experienced over the summer, it has made me a better person.

In my reflection, I wrote that I was excited to go on a mission trip, and I hope it goes well. When I wrote this, I don’t think I truly knew what it meant to go on a mission trip, I think my thinking was very surface level, I didn’t know what I would gain from it. Now my thinking has completely changed. I am so grateful I was able to go and experience the things I did. It was one of my favourite parts of the internship. I was able to connect with people, learn about their stories and hear their thoughts. This mission trip has made me a more open minded person, a person who is curious about the world around them.

– April Chia

I don’t know what was going on in my mind the 1st day where we studied chapter 1 of John, but my reflection for that day was very brief and surface level. In comparison to my reflections more recently, I think that they have been more open and honest about how I am feeling. I think a part of this reason may be I was really distracted for the first few months with summer school, but now that my mind is free I am able to think clearly. I think you can definitely see how as the summer progressed, my reflections actually became reflections rather than me spitting out an answer just for the sake of doing a “reflection”. 

I’m not really sure how I’ve grown since the beginning of this summer, but I have noticed a few changes about myself, which I’ve only been able to come to through reflection, which I am grateful for. While I realized the importance of reflection early on in the internship, I didn’t really reflect as hard as I could and therefore did not get as much out of them compared to now. Reflection is a time consuming process which can not be completed quickly or it will be meaningless.

– Paul Jang

I think during the first day, I thought I had matured a lot over the school year. Little did I know, that no, I wasn’t that mature. I think that playing the role as an “unni” for many of the girls tricked me into thinking that I had matured. In my first day reflection, I wrote about how I learned more about myself. I was able to recognize things about myself, and using that knowledge, I thought I could handle similar situations (like conflicts among friends) if they were thrown at me again. But, I realized that many issues arose this summer and I didn’t know how to deal with them, or I didn’t end up handling them very well.

I agree with some of what I said earlier this summer, about how I realized I wasn’t that good at communicating. There were so many misunderstandings and assumptions made because we wouldn’t communicate to one another how we were feeling or what we were going through during the school year. But, I could see myself making those same mistakes again over the summer.

Looking back at the past four months and where I am today, I think I’ve definitely matured. I’ve learned the hard way about some of the tendencies I have, but I think I came to accept them. They’re some things that I don’t like about myself and things that I don’t want to show others. But the truth exposed the things I wanted to leave in the dark. Thinking about things now, I think I’ve become more comfortable being who I am. I was able to fulfill some of my personal hopes, like learning more about my own faith, reflecting more and connecting what we learned to my own life, and growing spiritually, throughout this internship. 

– Lauren Lee

I think going into this internship I was still in the process of recovering and trying to comprehend what had happened in the previous year. A lot had happened this past year and I was very reluctant to becoming an intern at first since I just wanted to rest and process, so joining the summer internship was a very last minute, impulsive decision on my part and I honestly have no idea what came over me when I sent in that application. I know I was very hesitant on the first day about the new job and the people that I would be working with. This however proved to have been less of an issue as I had worried and revealed itself to be a very memorable and enjoyable experience. I am so thankful to have been a part of this internship as I can see how much I have grown in my faith, but also with my relationship with this community. 

I feel like over the span of the few months working here, I have been able to become closer and develop better relations with my fellow interns and I am so incredibly thankful for that. Through working together and bonding over shared experiences, work, stresses, and just life in general, it was nice to have a better sense of a whole community that we had been learning about throughout this internship. Even outside of the interns, we had to interview other members of the congregation and be leaders within the ESM Retreat, even going on a mission trip and interacting with other churches across the country. I feel like the relationship with people that I had been so nervous about was nothing at all to be worried about as looking back, I can see that this has extended past just the interns, just our church, but other churches as well.

I think the main thing I can feel from my first day was generally a lot of worries. I think there were so many things that I was stressing over still and areas where I felt like things could go wrong and even worse case scenarios, but none of that happened. I think now I’ve become stronger in ways that seem a bit backwards; I realize that I have my limitations. I now do not rely on my own strengths, but rely on God’s, so there really isn’t anything to worry about. God is slowly gaining control as I slowly learn how to relinquish it and it’s a lot more reassuring to know that.

– Elisabeth Jong

When I was reading through my first reflection, it was funny to see how much I have changed, yet also how much I’ve stayed the same. In my first reflection, I talked alot about wanting to grow up, to find something to do on my own with nobody to direct and guide me. I asked for independence because my whole life I’ve had alot handed to me on a silver platter. Life was too easy for me at the time, I felt as though it was so boring to not be able to do whatever I wanted, however, as the summer has progressed, I have definitely become more independent. One thing I have noticed is that I have gotten my wish, in doing so, I have discovered so much more about myself. As I’ve been given more freedom to do whatever I want, I find myself so lost, I have no clue who I am, I’ve been living for the approval and acceptance of my parents and friends, I never really ever asked what I want for myself, the upcoming school year has reminded me about all the stress and tears I’ve been dealing with, but is school really even what I want for myself? I’ve been taught my whole life that school is important, growing up I’ve always felt like a disappointment to my family. I never did well in school through my elementary years, even my secondary education, I didn’t even start doing well until my final year of school. My father always told me I was like him in every way, but theres one difference he told me he wishes I could have, his smarts. School, school, school. My dad never talked to me about much other than doing well in school, I remember the countless nights staying up late and crying because I couldn’t do my homework, and him sitting by my side looking so disappointed in me. As I come closer to the end of my education and schooling, I have no idea what I have planned for the future, its funny that I’ve wished for independence my whole life, because now I feel like I need guidance more than ever, yet I’m too embarrassed to reach out to anyone. This ‘mini-retreat’ full of reflections has been helpful, its given the void of guidance that I miss, its taught me happiness, and I fully plan on discerning more about Paul’s story and passages on my own free time, in a way, these passages can help me keep independence, but also give me the guidance I may need.

– Torrance Yoon

I see myself as an improvement since my day 1 reflection. My main points in the day 1 reflection were that I became more self-aware (in terms of actions, things I say etc). I also said that I felt as if God had no presence in my life and I felt like I was not believing in God at all. At the beginning my faith was super weak, and on day 1 I wrote down that I hoped I could learn what intentional faith study can offer for my life. I feel like I have grown and matured a lot over these past 4 months. My self-awareness was a welcomed change that I saw in myself 4 months ago. I feel like this summer was a great way to practice that new change and to see if I could actually be more careful with the things I say/do. I honestly believe that that new self-awareness has been cemented into my psyche and I no longer say things too quickly and rashly and hurting people by accident.

I also felt that God’s presence has been more present in my life over the past 4 months. I’ve truly garnered a deeper and more legitimate understanding of God, bible study and faith. Before, I would always think of God in the sense of, he has to show me a sign for me to believe in him. It was always such a contrasting does he exist or does he not? After the John study, the Philippians study, the living faith and much more, I was truly able to understand what it meant to believe in God and have faith. There was a more mature type of understanding that I was able to develop on the bible and God. Less of the “show me a sign” and more of  understanding how he works, and then putting in faith before I see the signs. At the beginning I think my faith and belief was at a 1/10. But after these 4 months I think it’s safe to say that I’m at around a 6.5/10 in terms of belief and faith. I am truly grateful for this work opportunity I would have never realized that I had changed this much, thankfully we have a record of our thoughts and feelings from the start so I can see the difference in my life and personality. I am proud of myself, more accepting of who I am, and I truly love myself more as each day goes on. 

– Joel Chung

Looking back on Day 1’s reflection, I can see that I’ve learned a lot from this internship. At first, I didn’t know what to write and it was like that for almost a week after I started. I felt unprepared nor critically assessive of the daily routines and appropriately reflect upon them. My first real thoughtful reflections were produced when Youth Camp started. On a daily basis I reflected on my actions as a Youth Camp counsellor and I could improve myself as a leader. Overtime I felt less mechanical when I wrote the reflections but that doesn’t mean I always wrote heartfelt reflections. I know some days I wasn’t in the mood or had any real thought of I could reflect on. However, now I can see a little more clearer and organize my thoughts to write honest reflections. I can also see that my intrapersonal skills improved a little because I have been practicing self-reflections almost on a daily basis.

– Joie