This is a post in a series of reflections during the COVID-19 pandemic. To read other reflections, please go to the Pandemic Reflections page.
The changes that my family and I have been forced to make during this global pandemic have really allowed plenty time for self-reflection. I honestly think I have reflected more in the past 7 weeks then I have in my whole life prior to Covid-19.
For those who know me, I always like to have a plan or schedule in place and quite honestly, I become quite uncomfortable when I don’t. At times it is a positive attribute to have, but at times like this… not so much. During the early weeks of self-isolation, I quickly realized how important that stability is or was to me. When that was lost or broken, I found it extremely difficult to cope and manage the changes
I had no choice but to accept. I felt very anxious in a way I never experienced before and wasn’t exactly sure what to do. I tried many things with no success, and I wondered if I would have to deal with these uncertain emotions for as long as this goes on. I’ve realized that fresh air and daily meditative walks help my emotions to level out, and I am so grateful that I live in a neighbourhood that allows me to do so.
On top of managing day to day uncertainties, there are also many long-term uncertainties that fill my brain. As a single young adult at my age, I had a list of things I strongly wanted to concentrate on in these upcoming years. I was actually one of those people who said, “2020 is going to be a good year! It’s going to be MY year!”. I was going to seek further career opportunities and maybe get into some property, I was going to continue on my journey of getting healthier, I was going to find a boyfriend? …Haha
Then Covid came around. I thought I had to put all those things to the side. However, through some reflection, I am beginning to accept the things that I cannot change, and also understand that there are some things that I can continue to change, despite the unfortunate and unprecedented times in our lives. I can still do all the things I hoped to accomplish. However, as much as I say these things of what I can/want to do, I still feel stuck in my emotions and still feel a lack of motivation, especially with the limitations of this pandemic. I am trying to continue to press on as positively as possible, but this all reminds me of the fact that I never really had enough faith and enough hope to just put all my trust in God and let Him act in my life. But why have I not been able to do so?
I wonder if it is because of these “down” times in our lives, whether personal or global, are what really make me question my faith in God. If He truly loves us, then why would He put everyone in the world in harm’s way or worse?
Last week at TBS, we studied the end of Mark chapter 2 and we reflected on the passage about new wine and putting the new wine into old wineskins vs. new wineskins. The part that stuck out for me was what we identified new wine to be: something that is God’s way of restoring the original purpose of an idea. Maybe Covid-19 is God’s way of presenting “new wine” to us. Maybe it is that every one of us has/was beginning to lose sight of what God’s intended purpose was for us in this world? Before all of this, as I would go about my weekly scheduled life, everything began to blend together as daily living. However, I’ve now realized that the complacency from that has blinded me from what might truly be important in this world… such as identifying necessities vs. luxuries.
I got lost in all the knick-knacks of what I thought a good life is/should be that I have forgotten the One who has given me this life and how important the basic necessities He’s provided me with are. Not once in my recent years prior to Covid have I truly thanked God for providing me and my family with a roof over our heads, with ample food, and good health. It is so easy for us to take these things for granted, but maybe that is why it is so hard to put all our faith in Him and to understand what it means to receive God’s unconditional love purely.
While all of this has revealed to me how fragile, vulnerable, and weak I am, I have recognized through my reflections that I can work to build my spiritual muscles and discipline through something I never fully believed in… the power of prayer. Prayer to try and genuinely connect with God. Prayer to try and recharge and restore my heart. Prayer to try and let go of all my emotional garbage. Through these dark and trying times, I am trying not to fall into self-pity, but instead trying to stay educated and reflect on those learnings to be able to recognize and try to accept the love that God has for me, my family, and those around me. I pray that all of us as a community can reflect on what God is trying to reveal to us during this global pandemic, and that we may be open to changing our hearts to accept and receive the new wine.
This is a post in a series of reflections during the COVID-19 pandemic. To read other reflections, please go to the Pandemic Reflections page.
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