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More than Cordial
“You shall not murder” is the basic minimum level for us to live with one another. Yes, I should feel safe and assured that just because you and I have a beef, you’re not going to take my life! We need basic limits on our behaviour to live peaceably with one another. We need minimum standards and expectations. But that alone does not make life good. We need more than just cordial and civil relations with one another. That is what Jesus is saying in today’s passage.
In the 1930’s, a group of scholars at Harvard began a study on human happiness. They selected two groups: one, a group of students from Harvard from varying backgrounds; and two, a group of teenagers from a poor area in Boston. They kept track of them, their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They were from all walks of life, and have had such varied experiences. But after 84 years, they’ve boiled down all of their findings to one conclusion about what constitutes a happy life, and that is: good relationships. They say that if there’s one choice you can make, one thing to really invest yourself in, that is in cultivating good, rich, meaningful relationships.
I agree with that finding. It is something we absolutely need. When we celebrate life at a wedding or a funeral, what is most central is the relationships we have. But it is the most difficult thing to achieve. We can become very good at our jobs. We can become very skilled at tasks and hobbies. But when it comes to our relationships with others, it is so difficult. What we need most in life is most difficult to achieve.
Anger
Everywhere Jesus went, he saw relationships that were damaged. He saw the hurt that arose from broken relations in families and among neighbours. Jesus abided by the law, but he saw that the law by itself does not bind people closely together. The law simply prevents us from harming one another. He saw that what separates people is not disobedience to the law, but what lies in the heart.
“But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment.” (Matthew 5:22)
It is the emotion in the heart that is the seed of division.
Anger is a natural emotion. We get angry when we get hurt. When we experience injustice. When we feel scared and vulnerable. But if that anger controls us, it affects our relationships. Anger that remains in the heart does not just remain there. It grows and morphs into negative thoughts. These thoughts spill out and affect those around you. The anger and hostility in your heart creates a hostile environment for those around you. To use young people’s language: the vibe that flows out isn’t good. What takes place in the heart affects the whole environment around you.
This is what Jesus said:
“It is what comes out of a person that defiles. For it is from within, from the human heart, that evil intentions come: sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, avarice, wickedness, deceit, debauchery, envy, slander, pride, folly. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” (Mark 7:20-23)
Anger darkens our hearts. The darkness of our hearts diminishes warmth, closeness and connection. We may not always be bursting out in anger. It may be quietly festering in our hearts like a fungus. Fungus does not need light, it survives and continues to grow in the dark. Anger can lurk quietly in the shadows of our heart. But whether it is loud on the surface or quiet underneath, it affects who we are. It affects our relationships with those around us.
Our hearts are very sensitive and fragile. Our hearts should have warning labels: Fragile, handle with care! In our life in this world, we get hurt, we get offended. These things leave their marks on our hearts. They remain with us and are not easily healed. From our damaged hearts, we have damaged relationships.
Reconciled
Our relationships with one another were so important to Jesus. So important, that he even said to delay worshipping God in order to be reconciled.
So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)
It’s not that worshiping God wasn’t important. That was the most important thing to Jesus. But he said this to illustrate the urgency and importance of restoring our relationships with one another. He knew that as long as we have anger and animus in our hearts, our worship can never be pure. Instead of God, our emotions are at the centre.
Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny. (Matthew 5:25)
People go to court because they are very emotional. At this stage in the game, it’s not as much about the legal issue. It’s about the feeling of being wronged and wanting to achieve vindication. “I’m gonna win and you’ll see.” That’s the feeling behind it. Jesus is warning us that if we let emotion drive us, it will lead to greater destruction.
True reconciliation first requires healing in your own heart. The anger in our heart must be tamed and removed. Only then is the heart ready to reconcile. We cannot reconcile while anger poisons the heart.
Secondly, reconciliation is only possible when we are willing to absorb the anger and pain of the other party. We need to enter into the world of the other party. Listen to their voice, listen to their heart. Understand what it is they’re feeling. Seeing things through their eyes.
Love Forgives
On the cross, Jesus absorbed the anger and ill will of people. It was people’s anger, hatred and malice that put Jesus on the cross. But amazingly, he was not angry. He did not defend himself. He did not lash out. He absorbed their anger. Instead of vengeance, he offered forgiveness. From the cross, he said:
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 22:34)
On the cross, Jesus absorbed their anger with love. Love was more powerful than anger. Love absorbs anger. Love forgives. Love is what reconciles and binds together again.
Love is the greatest thing, but the most difficult thing as well. It is not something we can just will in ourselves. St. Paul recognized love as a gift. Something given by God. He believed above anything else, that is what we should strive for.
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable; it keeps no record of wrongs; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
Love is a gift. We should seek it and ask God to give it to us.
Cultivate Your Relationships
But I realized, we must desire it. That desire only comes when we realize how much we need relationships. Maybe because there are so many people around us, we live in big cities, we have come to really devalue people and relationships. We think we can just pick and choose who we relate to. Unfriending someone takes a mere click of a button. If someone bothers me or offends me, I can just stop interacting with them.
If we live this way, we will never cultivate relationships that give us joy and life. Jesus died on the cross for us because his relationship with us was the most important thing. He gave his life and died so that we can be reconciled to God. He wanted to show us how important we should be to one another. His final command to his disciples was that they love one another.
Don’t take people for granted. God has placed the people in your life for a reason. They are given to you as a gift. Not only the people that you like, but even the people you don’t like. Don’t close yourself off just with people you know and are comfortable with. Every person has been given to help you grow, to enrich and bless your life
Don’t run away from your relationships. Be committed to them. Cultivating enriching relationships is hard work. We work so hard at our jobs and our studies. We should work even harder at our relationships. Because they are the most precious gift that we have. We realize that when we say goodbye to loved ones. We should realize that each day while we are alive.
When you are committed to people, it will cause pain. There is nothing more painful than discord in a relationship. But instead of running away, get on your knees in prayer. Pour out the pain of discord and disharmony to God. Express the raw emotions in your heart. Ask God for wisdom in what to do. But don’t give up.
The Greatest Gift
God may or may not change your situation. God may or may not change the other person. But God will change your heart. God will increase your understanding. God will expand your heart. God’s love will absorb your anger.
People are the greatest gift God has given to us. I am because you are. You are because I am.
Forgiveness, reconciliation and love. That is the very core of the gospel. They are the most beautiful things. Seek them with all of your heart, and your life will be filled with joy.
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