St Timothy Presbyterian Church

Vibrant church in Etobicoke, Toronto with roots in the Korean immigrant community.

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Dec 10 2020

Hopelessness within a hopeful unfinished story

It has taken me a painstakingly long time to write this, but it has laid too heavy on my heart not to share, so here goes.  

Last year, my team and I witnessed a white manager (WM) repeatedly discriminate against our former Black manager (BM): speaking ill of her; excluding her from key meetings; trying to assign us work without first clearing it with BM. We attempted to address this with WM, but to no avail.  So we obtained permission from BM to escalate the issue on her behalf.   

It was very difficult to report this above because it involved our superiors.  Additionally, we worried about being seen as ‘trouble makers’ for bringing to light something we felt the organization would rather turn a blind eye to.  After a number of consultations with our human resources (HR) department, we chose to go to our vice president (VP).  We chose this VP because she had been involved in Black mental health activities and this was a small but meaningful sign of safety for us.  

When our director (D) became involved, her approach felt to us more like an interrogation than an investigation.  We recognize she needed to gather the appropriate information but it felt as if she thought we fabricated the events.  Eventually, D called us into a meeting with HR because she said she had addressed the issue and wished to provide us with an update.  D spent the majority of that meeting, however, asking us four distinct times why we first went to our VP rather than D, followed by the explicit statement that by not seeing safety in her, we had discriminated against D’s whiteness.

While this was unfolding, all I could think was how incredibly textbook D had played out white fragility. From the start, D’s investigative approach had the tone of an interrogation, and with that, of gaslighting around whether race was an issue in this.  One of D’s preliminary questions was if WM ever used any derogatory slurs about BM; but this just isn’t how racism manifests in the modern day.  So to lead with this question was highly problematic in terms of validating our concerns and fostering a safe environment for this reporting.  Also, D’s scrutinizing of our reporting process rather than the actual discrimination was a form of tone policing, an unconscious or conscious attempt to detract from the validity of our report by attacking the manner in which we presented it.  And finally, D’s accusation of us discriminating against her whiteness was groundless.  This would mean there was a reverse racism and a reverse victimization that does not exist, particularly when you consider the power differential between her position and our position in the organization, in addition to the power and privilege she holds as a white woman versus us as women of colour. 

We were able to circle back to our VP to update her on all that had happened, and are grateful that we had the opportunity to be heard and acknowledged by the senior leadership of our organization.  However, beyond this, it is not clear what action was taken to rectify the issue.  

A few months later, BM was mysteriously ‘let go’ from the organization due to a supposed restructuring, which basically manifested as another white manager taking over her portfolio.  This was a devastating loss for BM and for my team and I. Unfortunately, this is where this story ends; there is no hopeful resolution or happy ending. 

I understand and acknowledge that the events that transpired are far from being the worst.  But the harsh reality is that as with too many such stories, BM suffered the worst of it and my team and I were  reprimanded for being her allies.   It has been very challenging to continue working with WM and D, business as usual, after all of this.  As far as I know, they did not suffer any consequences minus a possible momentary discomfort in being questioned around their racist actions.  

I have spent a lot of time angrily questioning God about the perpetuation of this kind of injustice.  To be honest, over this past year, I have been heavy with a deep hopelessness and despair about the many injustices of this world in a way that I have never felt or experienced before.   But somewhere inside of me, I know that although there is no happy ending for this particular story, the overall story is not yet finished and it will progress regardless of my personal feelings, or hopelessness, about it. Maybe that is the grace and love of God that somehow provides a flicker of hope amidst all of this darkness.  If that is the case, I will cling desperately to this.

Written by Jenny Kim · Categorized: Black Lives Matter

May 17 2020

Mom Guilt and Coping as a Parent

This is a post in a series of reflections during the COVID-19 pandemic. To read other reflections, please go to the Pandemic Reflections page.

What has this pandemic been like as a mother of a young family? 

Uno, Katelyn, Jaclyn, Evelyn, and I are all healthy and safe; and Uno and I are fortunate to both still have full employment so we can’t take for granted that we are in a position of great privilege compared to what many others are enduring in this pandemic.  Our parents, grandmother, siblings, and siblings’ families are all safe and well. So by most accounts, we are doing pretty well.

But it has definitely been chaotic, joyful, challenging, exhausting, and anxiety-provoking, all at the same time.  

As I’ve been connecting with those around me, it’s very apparent that an incredible and impossible demand has been placed on families to continue working at the same or higher output; to become their children’s homeschool teachers and daycare providers; and to patiently endure regular activities such as grocery and other essential shopping. 

I wonder how this pandemic will shape how we do things moving forward, in the shorter term but also in the longer term and what it will mean for our girls and their future.  In a silly way, I worry about if we will be able to properly celebrate Katelyn’s birthday at the end of July.  Because then it means that we will be enduring this isolation for many more months to come.

“Mom guilt” is so real, and ever more so at a time like this.  I have found myself constantly second guessing every choice and decision Uno and I have been making for our family.  It’s hard to take ownership of my choices when we are living with uncertainty on such an unprecedented level. We recently got the girls into the City’s emergency childcare for healthcare workers.  The girls have been enjoying the daycare and they are together in the same room which has been helpful. But I really worry about their risk of exposure to the virus since one of the locations had a COVID outbreak a few weeks ago. I find myself questioning if we made the right decision putting the girls into this care, especially for Katelyn who likely has asthma and therefore is at higher risk. Rationally, I know this decision makes sense for us given Uno has to go into work every day as a frontline health care worker, and given I continue to be on standby for redeployment at my hospital.  But emotionally, I would have rather kept the girls near me, and at home.  Which, for those who know me, is a big statement considering how much I normally relish my kid-free time haha.

I have also been spending a lot of time worrying about Uno.  He is in close contact with COVID patients on a daily basis.  Although he is such a calm and positive person, I can see that the stress and fatigue is wearing down on him. 

At the same time, we have also been able to share many beautiful and joyful family moments during this time. Jaclyn and Evelyn have started potty training, and it’s truly become a family affair as Katelyn and the twins cheer each other on and proudly show their accomplishments in the potty to the whole household. We’ve been enjoying more dance parties, yoga time, play time, and story time together.  And let’s be real, a lot more tv and movie time as well!

The beautiful thing is that all of this is showing how resilient people can be in the small and mundane everyday that has now become our normal.  A common theme seems to be that people are re-evaluating their priorities. As a mom of a young family, my heart’s desire is to fiercely protect my family and nurture their happiness, but I am weak and tired.  So much is literally out of my control, and at this time more than ever, it is truly my lifeline to surrender everything to God. And more than ever, Uno and I are deeply grateful for our St. Tim’s community. Everyone’s love and support for us and our girls has been truly healing and transformative in terms of our church and spiritual experience.  From our family to all of you, thank you so much for your prayers, love, and support.

This is a post in a series of reflections during the COVID-19 pandemic. To read other reflections, please go to the Pandemic Reflections page.

Written by Jenny Kim · Categorized: Pandemic Reflections

Feb 23 2017

Reflections on the Young Families Retreat

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We really appreciated our time at the Young Families Retreat because we really began building and nurturing the so-called village that will help us raise our daughter and her peers.  Parenting needs to be a reflective and intentional process now more than ever so we appreciated the opportunity to consider the character traits we hope to nurture in our children amidst this performance-based society, and how we can also learn from our children and understand them more deeply.  We had a great time bonding with our fellow parents and hearing the wisdom and insights from parents who are further along in their journey.   Witnessing our children play together in their sweet and silly ways was also very entertaining!  Parenthood has so far been one of the most exciting, joyful, challenging, and rewarding journeys we have ever embarked on and we are grateful for the love and support in this process from our St. Tim’s community.

Written by Jenny Kim · Categorized: Young Families Retreat Reflections

St. Timothy Presbyterian Church, 106 Ravenscrest Dr., Etobicoke, ON M9B 5N3

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